Tears & Tantrums

Revisiting a post from the archives ~ I started Practical Pages with the aim of  encouraging moms,  and although I love to share what works here on Practical Pages, I admit that I often showcase the best sharable moments. Of course, I am not supermom and things are often less than perfect!

In another Getting Real post I will widen my exposure lens and share some of the real nitty-gritty realities of our homeschooling lives ~ Tantrums

First, let’s look at a definition ~

tantrum  ~ˈtantrəm/ noun

• an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration, typically in a young child.
• synonyms: fit of temper, fit of rage, fit of pique, fit, outburst, flare-up, blow-up, pet, paroxysm, frenzy, bad mood, mood, huff, scene

Looking at the synonyms, I have seen my children and myself doing quite a few of those actions in times of frustration in our homeschooling, especially in our first year!  Part of the problem was me and my idealistic expectations and perfectionist approach that I used when I first started homeschooling.  Add a high-need, or sensitive or strong-willed children to the mix and there was a guarantee of outbursts of anger, tears, sulks, flare-ups and meltdowns.

I caused tension with my demanding teacherly approach.  I could have spared us many meltdowns if I had been more sensitive, more spontaneous, more fun, calmer.  I was a pain in the neck, uber-serious, stressed-out mom trying to get everything done and to do it “right”.

Looking back, I am glad that I learnt to add more time to our schedule by stretching out a one-year curriculum over 18 months to 2 years .  This margin of time created a sense of safety and certainty that I didn’t have when I was chasing to keep up to a demanding prescribed schedule which I had allowed to be my task master instead of my guide.  Also, I had to learn what worked for us in our home and not constantly strive for perfection I saw reflected in the homeschooling books I read and the homeschool blogs that I followed back then.

Some days simply started with a person in a bad mood, or with feelings anxiety or fear. Avoiding tantrums can feel like walking on egg shells.  No one person in the family should have so much power over the rest of the members, but it is not easy to figure how to manage that person’s inability to control their emotions.  That is where homeschooling is more about character formation and habit-training than about learning one’s  multiplication tables or spelling.  Homeschooling is the perfect place to work on character development.  It is exactly these moments that are a necessary ‘pit stop’ to stop the learning and deal with the child’s attitude.

Sometimes a difficult subject, a challenging task or school activity was the cause of feelings of fear and anger.  It helped to switch the timetable around and do something fun and easy first before tackling a tough subject.  Sometimes, it felt better to start with the challenge and get it done and out-of-the-way.  Sometimes we simply left it out until we felt ready to face it with a more positive attitude.

A child feeling ill, family members experiencing poor sleep, bad diet choices, or overwhelming schedules or too many expectations, visitors and interruptions are so draining that children just don’t have the capacity to control their feelings.  In times like this, I recommend moms stay home a few days, keep things simple, create a calm and predictable mealtime and bedtime routine and nurture relationships with their children. Spend some cuddle-time together reading a good book aloud, go on nature walks, or listen to classical music, or bake, or whatever nurtures your family.  On tough days I changed our school routine and started with a read aloud, or a song or a fun “Simon Says” game to diffuse the tension and release the anxiety.  Our Fabulous Fine Arts Fridays was the result of choosing one day of our week to be creative and more relaxed. 

One of our best methods of clearing the air after a tantrum or meltdown, was an apology.  We used a “whiteboard” image and asked if we could quickly erase the horrible experience and start again.  Use the expression, “Can I try that again?” Fresh starts are such an expression of grace.  Rather than live in the shame and guilt of a tantrum, offer yourself or your child the opportunity to try again, to start with a clean slate, to be their best in the new moment.

Children in school learn quickly how to hide their feelings, whereas at home, children feel free to express their emotions and vent their feelings.  Have you every wondered way your children ‘play up’ when they are with mom but not with others?

In sharing my imperfections, I extend grace to you in yours.  Grace to every mom.  Grace to every child.  Grace to you in the real and imperfect life you are living right now.

Please feel free to share your experiences, questions or offer any advice in the comments.

Blessings and grace in these real moments,

Nadene

• Subscribe Click to receive all my new posts packed with practical tips, projects, plans, pages & art ideas by email
• Facebook Follow Practical Pages on Facebook

Getting Real ~ Tantrums

I started Practical Pages with the aim of  encouraging moms,  and although I love to share what works here on Practical Pages, I admit that I often showcase the best sharable moments. Of course, I am not supermom and things are often less than perfect!

In another Getting Real post I will widen my exposure lens and share some of the real  nitty-gritty realities of our homeschooling lives ~ Tantrums

First, let’s look at a definition ~

tantrum  ~ˈtantrəm/ noun

• an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration, typically in a young child.
• synonyms: fit of temper, fit of rage, fit of pique, fit, outburst, flare-up, blow-up, pet, paroxysm, frenzy, bad mood, mood, huff, scene

Looking at the synonyms, I have seen my children and I found myself doing quite a few of those actions in times of frustration in our homeschooling, especially in our first year!  Children in school learn quickly how to hide their feelings, whereas at home, children feel free to express their emotions and vent their feelings.

Part of the problem was me and my idealistic expectations and perfectionist approach that I used when I first started homeschooling.  Add a high-need, or sensitive or strong-willed children to the mix and there was a guarantee of outbursts of anger, tears, sulks, flare-ups and meltdowns.

I caused tension with my demanding approach.  I could have spared us many meltdowns if I had been more sensitive, calmer, more spontaneous, more fun.  I was a pain in the neck, uber-serious, stressed-out mom trying to get everything done and to do it “right”.

Looking back, I am glad that I learnt to add more time to our schedule by stretching out a one-year curriculum over 18 months to 2 years .  This margin of time created a sense of safety and certainty that I didn’t have when I was chasing to keep up to a demanding prescribed schedule which I had allowed to be my task master instead of my guide.  Also, I had to learn what worked for us in our home and not constantly strive for perfection I saw reflected in the homeschooling books I read and the homeschool blogs I followed back then.

Some days simply started with a person in a bad mood, or with feelings anxiety or fear. Avoiding tantrums can feel like walking on egg shells.  No one person in the family should have so much power over the rest of the members, but it is not easy to figure how to manage that person’s inability to control their emotions.  That is where homeschooling is more about character formation and habit-training than about learning one’s  multiplication tables or spelling.  It was days like this that I quickly changed our routine and started with a read aloud, or a song or a fun “Simon Says” game to diffuse the tension and release the anxiety.

Sometimes a difficult subject, a challenging task or school activity was the cause of feelings of fear and anger.  It helped to switch the timetable around and do something fun and easy first before tackling a tough subject.  Sometimes, it felt better to start with the challenge and get it done and out-of-the-way.  Sometimes we simply left it out until we felt ready to face it with a more positive attitude.

A child feeling ill, family members experiencing poor sleep, bad diet choices, or overwhelming schedules or too many expectations are so draining that children just don’t have the capacity to control their feelings.  In times like this, I recommend moms stay home a few days, keep things simple, create a calm and predictable mealtime and bedtime routine and nurture relationships with their children, spend some cuddle-time together reading a good book aloud, go on nature walks, or listen to classical music, or bake, or whatever nurtures your family. Our Fabulous Fine Arts Fridays was the result of most these choices.

One of our best methods of clearing the air after a tantrum or meltdown, was an apology.  We used a “whiteboard” image and asked if we could quickly erase the horrible experience and start again.  Fresh starts are such an expression of grace.  Rather than live in the shame and guilt of a tantrum, offer yourself or your child the opportunity to try again, to start with a clean slate, to be their best in the new moment.

In sharing my imperfections, I extend grace to you in yours.  Grace to every mom.  Grace to every child.  Grace to you in the real and imperfect life you are living right now.

Please feel free to share your experiences, questions or offer any advice in the comments.

Blessings and grace in these real moments,

Nadene

• Subscribe Click to receive all my new posts packed with practical tips, projects, plans, pages & art ideas by email
• Facebook Follow Practical Pages on Facebook

Getting Real ~ Too little done

Here’s another “Getting Real” post  ~ Too Little Done

These “Getting Real” posts series provide a more balanced perspective against the many successes and  “what works” posts that I showcase, but I acknowledge that I am definitely not a supermom and our homeschooling was often less than perfect!

Too little or nothing done

All new homeschool parents worry about gaps and falling behind.  Please don’t panic!  Even school teachers fall behind.  Even professional tutors don’t cover everything.  More importantly — homeschool is NOT about learning information!  Facts can be learnt anywhere, any time — Google is at our fingertips!

We have some huge gaps in our homeschooling! Some subjects were never actually taught or done.  My children never did any physical education lessons or joined sports clubs.  (I think that they would probably not done any sport if they were at public schools either.)  I did put my foot down regarding the basics, though. We completed all the important school subjects, and I am sure that my children received a good education.

During primary school, we covered full curriculums, completed almost every topic and activity and then some.  I created a weekly schedule that covered daily themes so that we included everything including Shakespeare, poetry, Science experiments and so on.

My eldest child pushed through on everything. She insisted.  She completed all her courses, did every assignment and learnt and passed all her exams.  But as my children hit high school, they vetoed most my ‘extra’ Charlotte Mason subjects such as Hymn study, Nature Study and nature walks.  Bible study lessons failed to move their hearts and my teens told me I was ‘cheesy’ when I did any devotions or Bible lessons, so I stopped those.

Despite my most diligent attempts and enthusiastic efforts, my high school children glossed over some subjects and one of my kids simply never finished or even read many of her high school set-work books.  We even abandoned some courses.  I felt as if my homeschool vision was falling apart.  But it was just different.

It was important for my husband and I to set firm boundaries and clear expectations.  We insisted on them completing a full high school course with a university exemption.  I always encouraged that my children do their very best, but when it comes to high school, children need to figure out what they want to study, what career interests they wanted to follow.  For each child, that is a unique journey,

Homeschool is about relationships, discovery, and a lifestyle of learning.   Character, life skills and good habits are  more important than learning dry facts or mastering algebra.  Essentially, once our children have learnt their 3 R’s, they can continue learning for themselves all their lives.

So when you see that you are losing ground, slow down and catch up.  It is not a race.  Focus on subjects that have fallen behind for a  few days or a week or two, and you’ll be amazed how quickly your children can catch up.

Sending you huge hugs when you feel things are falling apart.  Please feel free to share your experiences or advice in the comments.

Blessings and grace in these real moments,

Nadene

• Subscribe Click to receive all my new posts packed with practical tips, projects, plans, pages & art ideas by email
• Facebook Follow Practical Pages on Facebook

Getting Real ~ Disappointments

Much of what I share here on Practical Pages showcases “what works”, but I acknowledge that I am definitely not a supermom and our homeschooling was often less than perfect!

Here’s another “Getting Real” topic ~ Disappointments

Unmet expectations often lead to disappointments.  Repeated disappointments can in turn lead to depression, despair and hopelessness.

So let’s talk about unmet homeschool expectations.

Most new homeschool parents trust that the curriculum they purchased will be a “good fit”.  Many homeschool parents have an ideal of their children sitting and learning happily every day.  Many parents hope that they will have well-grounded, well-rounded and well-mannered children who will reflect the all benefits of homeschooling, but this is often not the case.

There are many failures, flops, and fears.   Expensive curriculums don’t suit a child’s learning style.  Some subjects are unpleasant. Some lessons are too difficult.

You can read my post on “Unmet Expectations”  where I shared how I found myself “floundering under the weight of my lofty ideals and unrealistic homeschooling expectations” in my first years of homeschooling.

I remember my deep disappointment when my young teenage daughters refused to do most of the Charlotte Mason subjects such as Hymn study, Composer study and Nature Study when they started high school.  Here’s an excerpt describing my  disappointment ~

“You see, I wanted that cozy picture of my girls all singing hymns, sketching birds and butterflies and sweetly reciting poems.  I hoped they would all know at least 31 scriptures and could recite quotes from living books.  Charlotte Mason is so much deeper and wider than subjects and principles, so why is it such a struggle in my home?”

I had encouraged my children regarding their choices and attitudes.  I had tried to inspire them and pushed and persuaded them, but many times I watched as they refused, or failed.  Despite my best efforts, when I tried to force a child to do something they do not want to do, it did not lead to success.  In my worst moments, I judged myself and felt judged by others for these disappointment.  I have experienced seasons of depression and even despair at these times.

Children may delay, procrastinate or refuse to do their work.  Children who struggle a lot become disillusioned  because they feel that they have not achieved what their parents expect from them.  This disillusionment creates a block to learning.  Before they even try, they feel “I can’t”.

This homeschool journey often includes failures and disappointments.  We are given moment-by-moment choices, and many times we make choices out of fear and not because we have faith.

May I encourage you to turn to the Lord in times of disappointment.  Ask Him to show you the situation through His eyes.  Trust Him to help you find another way.  Pray for grace to accept situations you cannot change.  Pray for the grace to surrender and the wisdom to learn.

Sending you huge hugs as you face your disappointments.  Please feel free to share your experiences or advice in the comments.

Blessings and grace in these real moments,

Nadene

• Subscribe Click to receive all my new posts packed with practical tips, projects, plans, pages & art ideas by email
• Facebook Follow Practical Pages on Facebook

Getting Real ~ Doubts

Although I love to share what works here on Practical Pages, I acknowledge that I am definitely not a supermom and our homeschooling is often less than perfect! I have shared many of these posts in my “Getting Real” series.

Here’s another “Getting Real” moments in our homeschooling ~ Terrible doubts

We all suffer from self-doubts, but as homeschooling moms, an unhappy child, a child struggling with learning or with fears within themselves, where we feel powerless to help — these thoughts and feelings fill a parent with thoughts of doubt and anxiety.  You’ve heard the sister concepts — doubts & fears.  They often go hand-in-hand.

This is a terrible ‘sickness’ which can drain all the joy from our role as teacher and mom, and can negatively impact all our relationships.

My first year of homeschooling was filled with uncertainties, anxieties and a desperate desire to make the right choices, to provide everything I felt my children needed and to “do it the right way”.  I was uncertain about my curriculum choices, fearful about how to present the lessons so that my children both loved them and learnt through them, and I was doubtful that I could teach my youngest child to read.  I won’t even describe the doubts I had about homeschooling my children through high school!

Due to these doubts and fears, our first year’s homeschool days were filled with my sense of urgency and desperation.  My striving and desire for perfection caused so much tension.  This often led to conflict with my strong-willed child.  These conflicts caused further self-doubt and damaged my self-esteem and confidence as a parent.  Oh boy, that first year was a disaster, emotionally.

Fear is often manifest in anger.  Whenever you are angry at a situation, stop to ask, “What am I most fearful of right now?” Turn that fear into a prayer and wait for the grace, strength and wisdom of the Lord to guide you through that situation.

Looking back over 22 years of homeschooling I can honestly see that GRACE is powerful!  Grace towards yourself — for not knowing, for being unsure, for being afraid.  Grace towards your child — for their struggles  and fears.  Grace for fresh beginnings.  Grace for new starts.  Grace to try new ways.  Grace to trust the Lord.  Grace to discover, explore and grow without definite expectations.

Homeschooling is a journey of discovery.  Homeschooling in grace may even look like you are “failing”.  But, I encourage you to extend grace to yourself and to others so that you can grow and develop.  It will work out.  You’ll be fine!  The Lord will not fail you!

Please feel free to share your experiences or advice in the comments.

Blessings and grace in these real moments,

Nadene

• Subscribe Click to receive all my new posts packed with practical tips, projects, plans, pages & art ideas by email
• Facebook Follow Practical Pages on Facebook

Getting Real ~ Tears

I love to share what works here on Practical Pages, and I admit that I often only seem to showcase the best sharable moments, but of course, I am not supermom and things often are less than perfect!

Here’s another in the series of “Getting Real” posts ~ Tears

Some children cry more than others.

Some school subjects produce more tears than others.

But as a school teacher I seldom had children cry in my classroom.  As a homeschool mom, especially in those early years, my children often burst into tears or sat silently weeping during school, and I cried buckets too!

Why?

I think it is because at home, we are emotionally connected and we feel safe enough to express our fears and be more vulnerable.  There are also relationships where children operate and manipulate with tears.  But that is another story.

Tears is often an overflow frustration and fears.  Difficult work, challenges, struggles, anger, resentment, and not knowing another way often trigger tears.  As homeschool moms, we need to create an environment where children are encouraged to express these feelings in words and we need to be able to reflect these emotions back to our children and help them figure out another approach.

My youngest child would burst into tears when she was overwhelmed by too much work.  She hated to see the year plan or the “bird’s-eye-view” of the curriculum.  She could only cope with the day’s timetable and perhaps the next few days.  I learnt to shield her from seeing the full picture, and help her break down her work into manageable bite-sized pieces.  Also, I learnt not to put pressure on the pace of the work, but to provide extra time in her schedule to allow her complete her work without stress.

My sensitive child cried simply because she felt her work wasn’t perfect enough.  This was in her own head, not due to pressures from my hubby or myself.  She hated making mistakes and would weep when her answers were incorrect.  We decided to let her use a whiteboard marker or pencil instead of pen so that she could easily erase mistakes.  We also gave her more time to do her work slowly and carefully and learnt not to rush her.  We told her that we were proud of her efforts and that we did not expect her work to be perfect.

My children cried in some of their art lessons!  As an art teacher, this was very upsetting for me, but I understood that they experienced frustration in their expectations and their lack of skills to achieve the results they hope for.  It helps to break the art project into more manageable bits and assist them working through the creative block or the skills needed.  Some lessons we modified completely, changed the medium, focused on the process rather than the outcome.

For my high school teen, Maths was an evil that caused her to shut down mentally and leak emotionally.  The only way I could help was to find the very simplest Maths course and hold her hand and literally do the entire course for and eventually with her before she finally managed to do the work on her own. It took a whole year to arrive at the final stage.

I also had some seasons of tears, simply because of the stress and frustration of trying to teach all three children and try to meet everyone’s needs and expectations.  I did not always cry in front on my children, but often with my hubby at night, when I described my or a child’s struggles and frustrations.  I  often felt like a failure and I just didn’t know how to approach our schooling differently, or help a child through their issues and crisis.  It really helped to talk with him or another sympathetic parent to find some clarity and hope.  I always found prayer to be a huge help.  I would search the Word and trust the Lord for wisdom and grace.

So, here’s huge hugs to those moms struggling with weeping children or who may be sitting in tears themselves.  You are not alone and I hope that you find the grace, wisdom and strength to dry off your tears and keep going.

Please note that I do not judge myself or them or others for the pains that come with struggles and growth.  I wish to share these “real” moments so that you do not feel alone or a failure if you experience similar struggles.  Please feel free to share your experiences or advice in the comments.

Blessings and grace in those real moments,

Nadene

• Subscribe Click to receive all my new posts packed with practical tips, projects, plans, pages & art ideas by email
• Facebook Follow Practical Pages on Facebook

Sad Tears

Getting Real ~

My sorrow suddenly crept up on me and it caught me off guard. Warm tears filled my eyes as I gently laid my hands on top of the piles of books in the still open boxes.  I pack the half-used highschool curriculum away, and I quietly realize that I feel sad.

These books are a wonderful curriculum and had I tried every which way to make it work, but my youngest daughter just did not connect with the package. The unread books simply became a boulder I felt I was pushing up a mountain.

“Have you read this week’s literature yet?” I would ask each week, knowing she had not.

We fell behind the already stretched out schedule and I finally admitted that it just would not work. We simply would not do the rest of the books.  It didn’t help if I read aloud to her.  The spark just wasn’t there.

It is not the unfinished course that bothered me. This happens, and I have learnt that when you force learning, it doesn’t stick. A child may have some short-term information, but, with no internal connections, it quickly fades.

I felt sad because there were treasures lying unopened in the box. Beautiful books, deep spiritual books, precious testimonies, amazing autobiographies, wonderful character-forming non-fiction books. I was sad for all these lost opportunities.

Perhaps, as I did in my early years of homeschooling, I could have pushed and insisted and maintained a stricter control over my daughter, but I did not. Maturity and two decades of homeschool experience have presented me with a different approach. One that recognises that I am simply a facilitator and encourager. My role as an educator is not to shove, push, pull, cajole, demand, insist, force, fret, or manipulate my child in her learning journey.

So, I acknowledge my feelings as I sit and cry for a little while. Then I wipe my eyes, neatly stack the books, pull the lid on and label the box. And it’s done. The era is over, that season is finished. I sigh and exhale the disappointment. I breathe deeply and accept what is and move on.

Sad tears as a part of letting go.

Blessings, Nadene

• Subscribe Click to receive all my new posts packed with practical tips, projects, plans, pages & art ideas by email
• Facebook Follow Practical Pages on Facebook

Navigating postgraduate years

Here’s another “Getting Real” post ~  My eldest daughter graduated high school at the end of 2013.  Motherhood and homeschooling shifted gears and I entered into a completely different phase with a postgraduate young adult.  Somehow, navigating these years are far more difficult than I imagined.

If you follow the system, this is how educating your children usually looks ~

Schooling +12 years = graduate = college/ university = a diploma or degree = good job = successful life. 

Right?  In fact, I hear more moms who are considering homeschooling their preschooler or really young primary-aged children ask about homeschool graduation qualification requirements than how to enjoy the first few years of homeschooling.  The system rules their thinking.

I seemed to really have my act together when I was homeschooling my three young daughters.  As a qualified school teacher, no one doubted my ability or our vision for our family, but things changed drastically once my eldest graduated and we did not insist on her going to university to study further.

In fact, we have repeatedly been criticized by family and close friends for not providing her with the opportunities to achieve her God-given purpose.  I have endured days of long ‘conversations’ where granny and oupa and aunties have laid into us.  I received a heavily disappointed email with 7 attachments on “Finding your God-given purpose” from my dad.

But here’s the thing, our eldest daughter didn’t want to study further.  And I have learnt that forcing any education on a child doesn’t stick!  It vanishes like mist before the sun.  Our daughter didn’t want a chosen “safe” career or long-term commitment to a job or internship.  She didn’t want to do short courses. We thought, “Why invest heaps of money on courses or take out study loans or go into debt when someone is not keen?  It doesn’t make any sense.”

So, we allowed our eldest daughter to have a gap year … or two …  She has acquired major life skills ~

She and her best friend began entrepreneurship ventures when they were just 15 years old. They have been creative, hard-working and their skills have been tried and tested over the past several years.  They have stocked and run two shops.  She and her sister created a unique clothing range which they collaborated, created and ran online and at markets.  She has been committed to several short-term jobs, one where she gained valuable experience doing administration for a company. She has served others faithfully.  She has grown enormously spiritually.

During these years she assisted two of her friends with their home births.  She has learnt to cook large family meals on a very tight budget, from scratch, without electricity.  She’s learnt to run a home.  She’s attended a month of life-coaching.  She has been serious in her involvement with people and she is committed to deep and meaningful relationships in the small town where she has made her home.

Most importantly, I realized that she is community-driven.  She hated the idea of moving to a large town and living and working on her own.  I have to think that because we live so far from town, on such a remote farm, that we don’t have the same circumstances that most folks have of gently easing a new school graduate into jobs and towards independent living.

When we consider our eldest daughter, we realize that she is living out her life with her own, well-thought-out choices.  Our role is to help her in her startup ventures, assist her to begin businesses or start new jobs, and to encourage her when she faces disappointments and frustrations.  Our role is to champion her.  It is not what the system reflects, but what her heart longs for and how it leads her.  We seem to be navigating her post-school years without a map.

We are so proud of our daughter, and the amazing young woman that she has become!

The best way to parent a graduate is to be available, relational, supportive and encouraging so that we have a place of influence.    And to pray much …

In contrast, it is so easy to follow a homeschool schedule or curriculum.  You know exactly what is expected, what to use and how to get there.  The day is set out neatly.  You can tick the boxes and feel the accomplishments at the end of the day like a warm glow.  But this graduate phase … these open-ended days, filled with uncertain choices, unpredictable outcomes, and sometimes frightening opportunities scares us and it terrifies our newly graduate children.

Life after school is scary, folks.

So, enjoy your young children, your neat homeschool timetables and plans, your simple choices, your children’s innocent hopes and dreams.  And start praying now for those post-graduate years.

What advice do you have for other parents facing their children’s graduate years?  Please share your views in the comments below.

With much grace, Nadene

• Subscribe Click to receive all my new posts packed with practical tips, projects, plans, pages & art ideas by email
• Facebook Follow Practical Pages on Facebook

Sticking to it

Some homeschool days are tough and you or your child/ren might want to give up.  I have had to stick at our homeschooling over and over when we have stressed and struggled and wanted to give up. 

May I share a couple of tips to help encourage and motivate you to keep heart and head when things seem difficult and hard ~

• Pray.   Tell the Lord all about your fears, difficulties and thoughts.  Ask Him for His grace to live in His life.  Ask Him to show you the situation from His perspective. Ask for His wisdom and strength to do the right thing.  I often ask Him what I should do today, and not worry about the years ahead.
• When about to give up, make a plan. Plan something for the day that everyone enjoys and which creates a bond … such as reading aloud, art, crafts, a nature walk, listening to an audio book, going an outing … whatever it takes to get a fresh perspective.  This flexibility is the true blessing of homeschooling.  When things get really bad, take the day off … have picnic or go swim, or curl up together on the couch with popcorn and a great movie.  Give yourself a day to de-stress and try again the next day.
• Learning new information is usually stressful.  In the end, it is never about learning information but growing in character and in relationships.  A child can always learn facts, but struggles and difficulties are always personal.  Gently encourage your child in their attitude and choices.  Instill the habits that will build character.
• Sometimes a child just isn’t ready.  Put the work aside and try again in a few months time.
• Look for alternatives. Try a physical, practical, hands-on activity, or try learning with jumping or singing.  Let your child record their narrations on a voice note or video instead of writing.  Ask them to act it out or make a model or paint the illustration.  Give your child options and choices.
• If a textbook or book doesn’t work or isn’t a good fit for you or your child, adapt it.  Abandon it!  Yes.  You have permission to put it away.  Rather find an illustrated magazine or borrow a library book about the subject.  Go online and search out a suitable YouTube playlist and let your child watch educational videos.  They will learn more information with these alternatives, and, more importantly,  they will gain a personal connection with what they have watched or read.
• Deal with fears in perspective — will this really matter 2 years from now?  If not, don’t sweat the small stuff.  Let it go.  You usually will have time to try again.  Even in high school, we “lost” 2 years on a curriculum that was not working for my middle child.  But she was young, and even now, I am not in a rush to catch up those “missing” years.  We will simply push on with what we have in front of us right now.  Even now, facing her final year, we may have to go on into 2017 instead of trying to finish this year.
• Look for help.  I joined a few relevant  homeschool Facebook groups that offer great advice and give valuable support and encouragement.  Ask the curriculum provider for help.  Join their forums.  In my first year of homeschooling before Facebook existed, this was marvellous help.  And I needed the wisdom, experience and perspective of older moms who were a few stages ahead of me.
• Don’t compare your children with others.  This is their life, their story and their song.  No one else determines this.
• Ban “Should have …” and instead say, “Right now ….”  Don’t waste energy looking back and living with regret. You didn’t plan to fail or destroy your child’s education.  What you didn’t know, you couldn’t do, so let it go and do your best with what you know now.
• Perseverance is highly valued.  Stick to your decision and keep on course.  You may alter deadlines, reset some destinations, avoid some storms or rapids, but keep going on!  Don’t give up.
• Try, try and try again.  Try this way or that, but keep going.  You will come through this and it will all be fine.

If we had lived close to a town with good schools, I may have given up many times in these high school years, but God, in His great mercy and grace, has kept me right where He wants me and we have had to stick to it.  I am so grateful!  As I look at my gorgeous, beautiful daughters growing into such amazing young women, I am so thankful that we have had this incredible journey together!  It is all worth it!

Wrapped up in grace, Nadene

Save

Getting Real ~ Cheating!

Thanks to all my readers for your wonderful comments on my “Getting Real” posts.  (If you missed my previous posts, you can read about Giving Up, Chaos, Flops and Attitudes in the series.)

Today I would like to talk about a sinister reality that crept in our high school phase ~ Cheating! 

Imagine my shock to find my high schooler cheating!  Not just copying the maths answers from the back of the book, but serious exam-type cheating!

I suppose it was to be expected for several reasons:

1. My high schooler worked much more independently, and I didn’t watch her carefully.
2. The work was difficult and my child was anxious and stressed.
3. The exam results were sent to an external curriculum provider who would compile an official report. There was no chance of any mother-leniency.
4. Most cheaters cheat because they are ~
   • afraid
   • unprepared
   • lazy
   • fear of failure
   • hate test situations
   • or because they have had bad results before

At the very start of the exam session I caught sight of some papers and realized she had made plans … and my blood ran cold.  I knew that this was serious.  Not because cheating is bad, which it is, but because I was faced with dealing with a child’s character, choices, ethics and morals, and I wanted to handle this situation with firmness and yet with dignity.

By God’s grace I didn’t blowup and make a mountain out of a molehill.  We went for a walk.  We talked.  I listened and tried not to formulate a huge lecture in my mind.  I deliberately told my ego that this situation was not a reflection of me, but of my child.  Importantly, I did not label my child a “cheater”.  I gave her the grace to confess and really apologize, to face her fears, and sit the exam afresh and try her best.

My kids are accountable and they need to ask for help. If they are unsure and afraid of tests and exams, they are simply not ready. Homeschooling allows for extra time, and there is often time to do more reviews.  Using past papers is an excellent tool for exam preparation.

High schoolers must work authentically and take more responsibility for their learning and studying.  School is their ‘work’ and they must do their best.  They should understand that cheating denies them the real learning experiences.

My high school graduate and myself believe that her matric exams were not about the information she learnt, but the exam preparation, learning skills and actual exam writing skills.  It does not take 12 years to prepare your child for their graduate/ matric exams!  Your child can master exams in 1 year, even if they have never sat for formal, external exams.  Please, please, please don’t chose an exam-type education for your child’s high school years just so that they can write their final exams!

May I suggest that young children do not need to write tests at all.  Working one-on-one, your daily work is proof enough of your child’s understanding and recall.  When there are real difficulties, then, by all means, have your child evaluated, but on the whole, allow your child to learn and progress at their own pace.  When they are ready, they will master the work!

I really encourage moms to carefully consider the stresses and tensions and fears children face when they write tests and exams.  We, as moms and teachers, are also measured by their failures and successes, and we also suffer through this process.  If your child does not cope well under test situations, please consider other options, and where possible, choose curriculums which do not require exams throughout the year.  I understand that your country or state may have regulations that insist on test results, but I would encourage you to find a 3rd party tester who can assist your frightened child in a personal way.

It is so important to build relationships of trust, honor and dignity with your children.  If they feel that we understand their fears and anxiety, they will not feel the need to cheat.  Give them more time to master the work.  I seem to repeat this often ~ TAKE YOUR TIME and enjoy the journey!

Blessings,