Stresses and Struggles

This is an honest heart-felt post.  I tremble as I push the publish button …

I am battling ~

  • All 3 children started 3 different curriculums this year
  • Our high school curriculum only arrived on the 16th February!  A whole month wasted waiting …
  • Our new family business is b.u.s.y.  I’m compelled to answer phone calls when I just want to teach and try catch up (you can see the stress here, right?)
  • My middle-schooler-come-junior-high-schooler is in transition.

Of course, it should be evident ~

her growth spurts, mood swings, withdrawal

And with these influences there has been a definite change in innocence and enthusiasm in her homeschooling.

Somethings just do not “gel”.

I have those awful moments of resistance, reluctance, even – shocking – rolling eyes!

And we still haven’t found our rhythm.

She hasn’t found her groove.

When my eldest was this age, she told me she didn’t want to do Sketch Tuesday, sing Hymns, or do nature study with us.

And I had to let it go.

I was dismayed.

I even took it personally.

Now my 2nd daughter seems to be feeling the same way about some subjects and my approach.

I have to learn all over again to give up my controls and pick my battles wisely.

You see, I wanted that cozy picture of my girls all singing hymns, sketching birds and butterflies and sweetly reciting poems.  I hoped they would all know at least 31 scriptures and could recite quotes from living books.  Charlotte Mason is so much deeper and wider than subjects and principles, so why is it such a struggle in my home?

I am searching … seeking to know what is wrong?  I so desperately want to keep our Charlotte Mason subjects going, but it is just not all working.

  • is my curriculum and approach not age-appropriate?
  • am I being a “teacher” and not a loving mom traveling on a life journey with my children?
  • am I holding on to the perfect Christian homeschool “model” instead of trusting the Lord for His perfect will for our family.
  • Do I want to be in control of everything?
  • Do I have warped expectations of my children?
  • Am I pushy?
  • or worse – a perfectionist?
  • Am I performance driven?
  • Do I get in the way?
  • Do I expect what worked with one child to work with them all?

As I prayerfully and tearfully wait on the Lord, I realized that my family is not going to ever look and behave or learn like the “model” picture.  I have to let go of principles and ideals.

It may even seem that I am failing.

Fear of failing … a terrifying anxiety that looks for ways to control …

Faith … a hope amidst the uncertainty that waits expectantly …

I pray for faith to ~

  • be filled with grace to say yes to the unique and special in each child
  • be relevant
  • be understanding
  • build into my child’s inner heart-world
  • keep boundaries without controlling and manipulating
  • create an atmosphere of love and life and learning
  • breathe and let go of the “model” and find the Maker

What stresses and struggles do you face and how do you work through them?  Please share in the comments.